You Can Make It Through With R Marin

[00:00:02] Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of Thriving Adoptees podcast. Today I'm delighted to be joined by Roberto, Roberto Moran. Looking forward to our conversation today, Roberto, really looking forward to talking with you. Absolutely. Hi Simon and thanks for letting me talk with you today.

[00:00:22] So, Roberto is an Italian adoptee, but you were never actually officially adopted if I remember rightly. Exactly. My mother is foster-in-law. She could not adopt me by law, Italian law, because my biological mother didn't really, by law, left me to be adopted.

[00:00:48] Okay. And, but she, nonetheless, you say she's the only mother that you've ever known, right? My biological mother or my foster mother? Your foster mother. She's the mother that you've known. She's my mother of love. Yes, she's my mom.

[00:01:07] Yeah. My mother of love. Yeah. Okay. And, Roberto, as he's written, you've written an autobiography and it's, it's called Despite It All, I Made It Through. So, what, why that title, Roberto? What, what led you to that title?

[00:01:27] First of all, if you let me tell you, it's not really, I don't present it like autobiography. I present it like novel of real life. Because, I did it like this. I didn't want to say a classic autobiography when you say just what's happened. I wanted then people when they would read it, they feel like I'm talking with you in front of you. And you come inside my life. This was more important.

[00:01:56] Yeah. And so, what was it about the title? Why did you choose that title to engage with your readers? I chose this title because in my life, with all what's happened, adopted, abandoned, violence and many other emotions, I, I across.

[00:02:20] I, I, I across even with difficult, but I across every time in this life. And the, the, I made it through, it's mean then finally, maybe I'm not thriving completely, but because I'm a crossing, I'm timing every time I across. You know what I mean? Can you tell me a little bit more, please?

[00:02:42] I mean, I had a difficulty in my past. I had a difficulty in my childhood, in my teenager time and was very hard, but instead of this, to let down everything and don't, don't, don't across, sorry about this world. I continue live, I continue believe in it. And now I'm here and with, with all of my history. Yeah.

[00:03:09] So, so for me, it's like thriving somewhere, even if not completely, but part of this, yes. Yes. Yeah. And, and so what, it's a really big question, but what, what do you think that has helped you get through this, these difficulties?

[00:03:27] What has helped me? Uh, but first of all, I think my foster mother helped me a lot. Uh, she really loved me and she's still there. Uh, even if she's very old and she, even if she live in USA, uh, and I live in France, she always had the fun for me. She always listened to me. And this love, this love of my, of my mom really helped me to across all of my life.

[00:03:53] Yeah. Yeah. Um, cause a lot, a lot of people say in, in adoption that love is not enough. They say that love is not enough. But I, when I hear that, I think maybe, maybe it's not, but it's a really, it's a really good place to start.

[00:04:12] Absolutely. And why would we, why would we kind of put down, why would we dismiss, why would we say that love isn't important, isn't fundamental for us? Love is fundamental. Without love, I don't know, in my heart it's touching me than what you, what you say, because when I think of my mother, if my mother didn't love me, I could not continue.

[00:04:39] Really. So for me, it's the first step. Love after, yes, there is all their needs, of course, but without love, these needs became more difficult. Yeah. So what would, what would those other steps be for you? Outside the love of my mom, uh, for across all of my problem.

[00:05:01] Yes. Uh, believe then, uh, even if there is moment where you feel alone, even if there is moment you, you say what's going on? Why, why me? Why?

[00:05:15] I just say, then, uh, life can make surprise. And when, uh, you, and in my, in my, even if I had a very hard time, I had a lot of people who at one moment or another was there for me and helped me to, to, to say, okay, Roberto, it was difficult. okay Roberto you suffer this one but you can go ahead if you want you can

[00:05:44] I'm not a psychologist I'm a houter you know I cannot say something psychology but I think then in life even if when it's difficult you can always find a way to continue and say okay today is not good it's like that tomorrow it will be good you know what I mean so hope for the future absolutely hope is very important yeah okay

[00:06:12] so you in the description of the novel you say it's a story of survival a story of resilience and a story of hope in the middle of loss so that hope was a big enough theme within the novel for it to be mentioned in the in the blurb right in the description

[00:06:41] on Amazon the description of book are completely talk about what I wanted to say then yes across resilience strong nest if we can say but hope all of my life all of my life I have hope to to to to feel better because unfortunately I'm still sometime then feel I across again and again and again and start again

[00:07:10] but this hope helped me to continue and if you lost hope no you need to keep this hope because after all this hope keeps you in life and gives you strongness not everything is easy but we can do and if I can say sorry Simon I know I talk a lot right my my book helped me a lot yeah yeah there's

[00:07:39] there's no apologies for talking on this on this podcast right that makes my job a lot easier if you if you you talking makes it a lot easier because I have to think of less sentences I have to think of less questions to ask you right okay thank you it's easy you're making my job easy we're doing we're doing this on a Monday morning right so I don't know if you can hear Roberto chuckling your way right which is which is great so

[00:08:09] is this is this hope this hope of a better tomorrow what what what does hope mean what does hope bring to you how do you define hope well honestly it's a good question and maybe because how to answer this in English now you maybe because I won't believe then finally life will show me

[00:08:39] then all of this suffer all of this pain it was for something and not just to give me pain and suffer I don't believe that life it's only pain and suffer it's impossible I mean for what in this case and I saw in my life some few moments when even if I had pain before I had happiness just maybe if I can say and maybe this is my hero too then when you have this happiness

[00:09:09] you have to understand and you have and enjoy and don't think about other stuff just enjoy this moment because after if you don't enjoy you regret and you don't enjoy it's a balance you know yeah you also say it's a story of resilience what does what does resilience mean to you Roberto resilience you know my English but resilience it's

[00:09:39] continue even if even if time is hard even if you cry because I cried a lot believe me even if you in your mind you say it's what's next I mean it's enough you're tired and I know that people can be really tired by psychology by don't believe anymore I you have to do because the day tomorrow maybe it's not tomorrow maybe it's one week after

[00:10:08] maybe it's one year after it's sometime it's like that but if you continue if you go ahead life give you you need to work on it nothing is easy nothing is easy yes we started bad I started bad it's like that we have the choice or we upset then we start bad but we can make it better so thriving like you say or we put the arms down and

[00:10:38] now come on let's go let's go we need it this is my message to people this is my yes we suffer yes we had to a cross but you can do it and if you feel you cannot do it alone there is a lot of people who are ready to help you yeah yeah so you said that there was a meaning there was a reason for this suffering what do you think

[00:11:08] it is for you what were the reasons for your suffering what was the reason of my suffering in my life you said it must be for something yeah but myself I think my first suffering was to be abandonated by my real brother but with my book you know what I discovered that makes me more suffer is then it was it's complicated by law my foster mother was obligated to give me

[00:11:38] my real mother every Sunday and so it means that you have to imagine that every Sunday my foster mother who for me was my mother bring me to my biological mother just for the Sunday and I was always scared that she left me so I leave it all of my childhood with this scare and when I wrote my book and finally I

[00:12:10] like this why I'm always scared to be abandonated and very important to understand I don't know again I'm not psychologist but I think when you start to understand why you suffer you can you can thrive you can feel better because you know why so if you know how you can work on it it need time nothing is today

[00:12:40] or tomorrow but you can work on it and say okay this is my problem I know why so let's try to see how I can resolve this scare and because not everybody will do the same and no one did the same so what else did writing that's a profound insight right that's a deep insight for to understand why we

[00:13:10] do the things that we do why we feel the way that we do sometimes and clearly the book was instrumental it was very did writing

[00:13:39] the book help you see the book helped me well first of all it reminded me some part of my life of my brain forgot because when you wrote when you start to write you have a memory and more you wrote more my brain open open his mind and open mind and oh but Roberto you oh

[00:14:09] yes I remind so it helped me to open this part I closed like trauma because I had many traumas and finally open discover wrote read again and say oh okay it's like that I had what can I do now it's the past I

[00:14:39] so I heard this quote by a psychologist called Jung and it seems to be it seems to sum up in my opinion it sums up what you're saying so I'd like to repeat that quote to you and just ask you if you think that is if the quote is accurate

[00:15:09] so Jung said until we make the subconscious conscious it will rule our lives and we will call it fate until we make the subconscious conscious it will rule our lives and we will call it fate so I

[00:15:39] think I understand what you say subconscious and when you are conscious if you find what you have in your subconscious and it became conscious in this case you can I don't know if it's the right word but you can leave it more better yes yeah so because what that's what came to me is that you

[00:16:09] you weren't to because of the trauma and the trauma had closed your memory writing your memory opened open the doors sorry writing the book opened the doors to your memory you became aware of them so for example you you became aware of why you sometimes feel the way that you do and why you react the way that you do and then once it's out into the open

[00:16:38] once our memories are out into the open we've got a better chance of a better future yeah yeah agree completely with you it's for this that I told you before then wrote the book it's part of thriving finally for me it's given me chance to understand better my past to accept better my past and the fact to upset better my past it's give me

[00:17:16] that's that stops it being fate that stops it running our lives yeah not completely I can't I will not be honest if I say I completely recover Simon it will not be honest I'm not completely recovered because many trauma because many difficult time because even now difficult but okay but it's help what is help it can give

[00:17:46] you the strong nest to make it road across and made less error too it's help yeah so maybe instead of saying it stops it stops you it reduces the amount of time that we are living from our unconscious yeah so somebody interviewed me yesterday and I said well

[00:18:17] hopefully hopefully I'm I'm less of a jerk as I learn more about myself I'm less of a jerk but that doesn't mean I'm that doesn't mean that doesn't stop me sometimes being a jerk right this is me yeah I think I understand yeah so I'm I'm saying that this this is our this is our our life's quest is to it

[00:18:47] is to learn to to function better in the world yeah I think so we need to we we all outside the fact that for me we always learn something every time but if we learn how we work inside in the brain we can make our life more better I don't say that life is always easy it's impossible

[00:19:16] but if we think other way we live better yeah so was that why you wrote the book for many stuff first of time ago I wanted to write my book to be honest I just wasn't ready after all and finally my book is out

[00:19:46] because I was ready and I was so much ready then when I finished the first one I wanted to continue the second and even the third now to be and I doing and for this I'm happy after when I wrote the first I read

[00:20:16] again and say people Roberto you know that a lot of people suffer maybe not exactly like you different way but they need help maybe your book will give them hope you know the hope that we talked before this is why I say okay let's give my message to other people yeah and it's incredible right so listeners Roberto has written

[00:20:46] this you wrote it presumably you wrote it in Italian first but you also translated it into English no I wrote it's funny because I after in Spanish and I don't know why I had some little difficult to do it in Italian maybe because it touched me more but finally in Italian too right this is an incredible effort Roberto

[00:21:17] not not everybody goes to this this effort I don't know Simon I wanted it to I dream too much you can imagine my life if I don't dream it's not life I need a

[00:21:46] dream I need to accomplishment at least one dream in my life and this is my accomplishment this is mine when I say okay this I know then what I wrote even if maybe not a lot of people will read I don't know this is future but they will be there my children read my book so my children know better my

[00:22:34] work responsibility it's my responsibility if I do some error but in my book what I wrote explain somewhere why I did it I don't say in any case I wrote when I wrote I don't make any pity I didn't want pity and I don't make any people bad or aggressive I just wanted if you want I just wanted to

[00:23:03] explain what's happened and say to people you see this is my life if I am telling to you my life like a novel you hear me and you will have your point of view yeah so are there any particular points that you changed you know when this isn't an autobiography it's a novel so were there any particular points that you

[00:23:33] changed between the two for me it was important when people will read we don't feel then for example Roberto born in this town this year Roberto was adopted in this year no I bring the person who will read

[00:24:02] I bring them and say okay now you are in this town I give you the description of the hotel the hospital hotel I give you the description of my little house when my foster mother take me I give you what we talk sometimes for give more impression than

[00:24:36] this is a novel give some possible to the people who read to feel that they are not just read a date a date a date a date you read

[00:25:06] my message and say wow we have the impression that you are talking in front of us and your history are so emotional and it touched me a lot because it's the truth it's what I wanted what are the key messages that you want the audience to take from the book the novel then despite it all you will make

[00:25:36] thought the title yes I think there is nothing more the title yeah I believe in it yes yeah clearly yeah and you put all this energy into writing this book and translating it into a lot of energy Simon but I don't ever even if I have to be honest actually it's difficult but I have no

[00:26:06] regret is there anything else that you want to share Roberto that I've not asked you about honestly I think we talk about everything in large of course just wanted to pass if people listen us to pass them a message don't believe in hope believe

[00:26:36] in love believe then your life even if it's actually difficult and I understand you a lot believe then something will change because it will change it will do even if you need to wait more time than you need but something will change and you will be happy I hope so for all people

[00:27:05] thank you Roberto thank you listeners and we'll speak to you soon take care bye bye bye