Helping Them Heal With Heather Branam

[00:00:02] Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Thriving Adoptees podcast. Today I'm delighted to be joined by Heather, Heather Branam. Looking forward to our conversation today, Heather. Heather Branam Thank you for having me. Heather You're very welcome. So I've had a chat with Heather about this and she's cool with it. So we're gonna start the conversation off a little differently, listeners.

[00:00:27] Heather Because something that Heather said to me at the end of our conversation we had last month was, it was just, it just rang so true for me and so, so essential, so kind of, it's what this podcast is all about, right? In one sentence, I think.

[00:00:53] Heather And so, the sentence, what Heather said to me was, if I can't, if I can't heal, I can't help them heal. And ain't that the truth, right? Heather Branam It is the truth. And it took me several years to figure that out because I kept trying to help them, but I wasn't helping myself.

[00:01:16] Heather Branam And I realized that one day when I started my healing journey is if I can't heal, I can't help them heal. And it hit me kind of like a ton of bricks. And that's when I knew I had to actually work on myself before I could start working on them. Heather Branam Yeah. And the them that we're talking about listeners is Heather and her husband's four kids that she's adopted, right, that they've adopted.

[00:01:46] Heather Branam And they have, there's eight between them with her husband, but four kids, four adopted kids live with you in Colorado, right? Heather Branam Yes, we live in Colorado. We moved here from Alabama last year. Heather Branam Yeah. So why is this, why did it ring true to you, Heather? What led you to see the truth in that statement?

[00:02:15] Heather Branam For me, it was, I had so many issues that I was trying to get my kids to not have those issues.

[00:02:28] Heather Branam You know, like, when they would make a comment to me about you're not my mom. Yes, I'm not your mom. But those were words that I like said to my mom. You know, I had to forgive myself for saying those to my own birth. I mean, my own adopted mom.

[00:02:46] Heather Branam It was them having fits, you know, meltdowns about, you know, not being able to see their mom. And I had those same fits, but it was things that I had never dealt with. You know, I didn't get to see my birth mom a lot. They don't get to see their birth mom at all.

[00:03:06] Heather Branam There was just so many things that were rooted deeply in me that I knew I had to let go of to help them. Heather Branam Yeah. So can you perhaps give a little bit of a background to a little bit of a bit on your story to give some context to the listeners?

[00:03:29] Heather Branam So my story is my birth mom was in foster care. And my parents, my birth mom and birth dad were both 17 when they had me. Shortly after they had me, they both got on drugs. And my grandmother ended up taking me in and adopting me when I was six. Heather Branam Yeah. And she took you in at two, though, I think, if I remember.

[00:03:57] Heather Branam She did. She took me in at two. That was when my birth parents separated. And because my birth mom was in foster care, she didn't have anywhere to go. And she was kind of jumping from house to house. And my dad, he didn't really know how to take care of me. And he was gone a lot because he was in the army. So he was gone, you know, every other weekend. And then he worked out of town.

[00:04:25] Heather Branam So my grandmother took me and she raised me. Heather Branam Yeah. So this is really significant, this truth, because you're ending a cycle of generational trauma. We talked about generational trauma. Heather Branam Yes. And that was, for me, my biggest thing was, like I mentioned earlier, my mother was in foster care, and I was adopted.

[00:04:55] Heather Branam And then I got pregnant at 18, and I kept my child. I broke that cycle. And now I'm here to help my kids that I've adopted break that cycle as well. Heather Branam Yeah. Yeah. Did I tell you that my biological dad was in foster care, in homes? Did I tell you that? Heather Branam Yes, sir. You did. Yes. Heather Branam Yeah. I found that out last year from a cousin that I met through Ancestry, 23andMe.

[00:05:22] Heather Branam Yeah. Yeah, my biological father, his mum died in childbirth, giving birth to the youngest of three siblings. And his father was away. So it was the work problem again, right? His father was away at sea. And didn't have any support. So the three siblings were in and out of care.

[00:05:50] Heather Branam And two of those three siblings went to father kids who were adopted. So what does healing mean to you, Hannah? Heather Branam What does healing mean to me? Oh, goodness.

[00:06:16] Heather Branam So healing for me is, it's the moment that I realized I couldn't help my kids heal if I wasn't willing to heal myself. Heather Branam It was, I was carrying so much grief and so much trauma, and I was staying in survival mode.

[00:06:39] Heather Branam And I realized that when I could see some of that showing up in my own kids. Heather Branam You know, I was starting to see that their little anger and frustration with each other was some of the anger and frustration that I was putting on my kids.

[00:07:00] Heather Branam So healing for me was really big that I knew I had to go on this healing journey in order to help my kids. Heather Branam Healing for me, I mean, it's choosing a different path than the one I came from. Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam So there's some kind of mindset and thought, thoughty stuff there as well.

[00:07:27] Heather Branam And there's some, you know, pretty intense healing, pretty intense emotional stuff there. Heather Branam The idea that came to me from another adoptive mum called Holly and Petri down in Texas. Heather Branam She used the baggage word as well.

[00:07:49] Heather Branam But she said, the most important thing is unpacking our own emotional baggage as adoptive parents. Heather Branam Right. Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam So what does that, what does unpacking, what does that process look like to you? Heather Branam For me, it was realizing that how my abandonment and rejection issues,

[00:08:19] had affected a lot of my relationships. Heather Branam It was also realizing that the abandonment and the rejection issues didn't just come from my birth parents. It also came from my grandmother, who would remind me that she would say things like, your mom didn't want you. Your mom didn't love you. Heather Branam And it was realizing that those were lies.

[00:08:48] Heather Branam That my mom did want me. She just could not take care of me. Heather Branam It was unpacking all of that and realizing that these were things that I were, that I was told that wasn't necessarily all true. Heather Branam And digging deeper into that and realizing that I was loved.

[00:09:15] Heather Branam No matter which way I looked at that, that I was loved by my mother. Heather Branam I was loved by my daddy. Heather Branam And I was loved by my grandmother. Heather Branam And moving past the hurt and the anger and the frustration, Heather Branam It was sometimes when I was home by myself screaming as loud as I could to let some of that anger and frustration out.

[00:09:38] Heather Branam It was crying and actually feeling the hurt that I felt for so many years. Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam I can't believe, I'm shuddering to believe this, right? Heather Branam Your grandma said that. Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam My grandmother would say things like, Heather Branam I'm your mama. Heather Branam Your mama didn't want you. Heather Branam Your mother didn't love you. Heather Branam She never wanted to be a mom.

[00:10:07] Heather Branam And it was, it hurt because you believed it. Heather Branam You know what I'm saying? Heather Branam Because I was- Heather Branam Yeah, we're sponges. Heather Branam We're just kids, right? Heather Branam We're kids and we suck up this information like sponges and we suck up the good stuff, but we also suck up the bad stuff.

[00:10:31] Heather Branam So your grandma must have had serious amounts of stuff going on for her to, for her to share that kind of- Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam I think she always thought I was going to leave and try to go back to my birth mom. Heather Branam I think there was the hurt there of her, you know, I've been the one taking care of you. Heather Branam But my mom was- Heather Branam Oh, so she did it to stop you going?

[00:11:00] Heather Branam I think so. Heather Branam Wow. Heather Branam Isn't that incredible? Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam Yeah. Heather Branam Because so my birth mom was owning off drugs until I think I was 16. Heather Branam And then at 16 I found out she was, she was actually HIV positive. Heather Branam And then she actually passed away when I was 18. Heather Branam Wow.

[00:11:28] Heather Branam So there wasn't really any going back because by the time I, like I turned 18 and could have left my grandmother's house, my birth mom had already passed away. Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Branam It makes, so you know, with that insight of, you must have got that on some level that she was telling you that to keep you.

[00:11:56] Heather Branam She was telling your mom didn't love, your mom didn't love you so that you didn't go back to your mom. Heather Bran It makes perfect sense. Heather Bran It makes sense. Heather Bran It makes sense. Heather Bran But it took me a very long time to realize that because you know when you're younger and you're a teenager and you're hearing these words, you're like, why would you say such mean things? Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran Why indeed? Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran Why indeed? Heather Bran Yuck.

[00:12:23] Heather Bran So you've, you've talked a lot about kind of realizations and insights and realizing that what you'd been told was the truth was, was in fact, a pack of, a pack of lies.

[00:12:41] Heather Bran So we're looking, there's been a lot of therapy and counseling and changing of, changing of beliefs. Heather Bran Right. Heather Bran And also the body works being really important to you. Heather Bran Yes. Heather Bran Yeah. Heather Bran I think you mentioned Reiki when we spoke last. Heather Bran I did. Heather Bran So I spent five years in therapy.

[00:13:12] Heather Bran And I, the hardest part was actually sharing my story and actually admitting how I actually felt about certain things that had went on throughout my life. Heather Bran And I decided one day I was going to take up yoga. Heather Bran And my yoga instructor did Reiki and I was telling her about, you know, I still can't move past certain things. Heather Bran And then my aunt, who was like my mom, passed away.

[00:13:40] Heather Bran And so I was dealing with a lot of grief. Heather Bran And she recommended Reiki. Heather Bran And in that session, as I was laying there, the words that came to me were, quit fighting, you've already won.

[00:13:57] Heather Bran And I have spent my whole life trying to fight for either myself or for someone or, you know, to, like even with my husband, you know, and fighting with your kids where you don't do this. Heather Bran I told you not to do this, you know, quit fighting. Heather Bran And it was at that moment that I realized, I don't have to be this person. Heather Bran And I don't have to keep fighting.

[00:14:24] Heather Bran I can move past this. Heather Bran And it helped me so much. Heather Bran And it helped me with my kids. Heather Bran It helped me with my marriage. Heather Bran It really helped me on the inside, as far as my healing journey, that, you know, I don't have to do this anymore. Heather Bran That I've already won. Heather Bran I came out on the other end. Heather Bran I broke that cycle of keeping my child. Heather Bran I'm helping my kids break that cycle.

[00:14:55] Heather Bran I am not an alcoholic like my parents. Heather Bran I am not a drug addict. Heather Bran I broke those cycles. Heather Bran I don't have to fight that anymore. Heather Bran I can move past it. Heather Bran So that for me was when I decided that I wanted to learn more about Reiki and help other people who may have been in my situation, you know, with adoption. Heather Bran I'm.

[00:15:22] Heather Bran I don't know if they're adopted, or they've adopted kids or they've been through a divorce or they've had those hurtful words that, you know, they didn't love you. Heather Bran I can do it to help those people, those women, you know, go on their journey, help them with their journey.

[00:15:41] yeah I had this thought at the weekend about pre-verbal trauma right and pre-memory trauma trauma that we can't we that we can't remember and it's a feeling thing isn't it it's like

[00:16:05] for some reason I whenever I get near this topic I think of our first my wife and I have got I've had four dogs we're on dogs three and four but I remember distinctly the first dog that we had between the two of us who was called Nelly I remember her crying

[00:16:30] on the first night that she was away from her mum and and I thought to myself I thought to myself was it was I like that did did I did I cry that first night away because obviously I can't remember

[00:16:51] I was whenever I was a couple weeks old and it was before it was before words and the beliefs came later right so I my my adoptive mum didn't say the horrible things that your adoptive mum said to said

[00:17:17] to you and yet the words that came to me were the same at 40 she didn't love me enough to keep me so I was thinking about this pre-verbal trauma thing and the metaphor that came to my mind was a tornado

[00:17:38] and when when the tornado starts spinning it is just it's just air and I don't know what what what makes up a tornado but sometimes it picks up it it picks up what's in its path right so it would pick up a shed or whatever and start spinning round right right so the the idea came into my head that

[00:18:08] the pre-verbal trauma was the the pre-verbal trauma was the tornado itself right and the the belief she didn't love me enough to keep me that that's like that's like the garden shed in the tornado

[00:18:30] right and that helped me separate you know what is what is the trauma as in the feelings the feelings of trauma the sense the physical sensations of trauma the stuff that we release through reiki or somatic

[00:18:50] experiencing or yoga and then the the the the beliefs of trauma that are that come later right and and that's the aftermath it's not it's not the trauma itself it's it's it's the it's the meaning that we

[00:19:12] put on the top of the trauma and for some for some reason that seemed really significant to me because if we can separate the feelings from the beliefs then we've got a better chance of kind of busting the beliefs do you see what I mean yes I do but it's kind of like well you are what you believe

[00:19:43] so and it was like I believed all the words my grandmother said because I trusted her she was supposed to be my mother you know you're supposed to trust your parents so if you take those hateful words and you spin it and like that tornado they surrounded me constantly you know the rejection the abandonment you won't you're not wanted you're not loved and I had to unlearn that

[00:20:09] and for me one of the things that helped me was I was asked to do a training on what it was like being raised by grandparents and going down that journey of having to relive some of those moments in my

[00:20:32] childhood and going back and looking at pictures of my birth mom and one of the stories that my grandmother and even my aunts would tell me was after I went to go live with my grandmother my birth mom came by and she was in the back seat of a vehicle and somebody was driving and the driver blew the horn

[00:20:56] and at the time my grandparents they had a farm so they sold eggs so the person blew the horn and asked my grandmother for eggs I happened to come outside now this is like what I'm saying two or three and when my grandmother went inside to get the eggs my birth mom was in the back seat and she tried to

[00:21:21] my grandmother would use the word kidnap me and she was pulling me in the vehicle as my grandmother walked back outside and them two ended up fighting over me so when I was telling this story in this conference one of the ladies was a social worker and she looked at me and she says there's your answer

[00:21:45] Heather she said your birth mom did want you she was fighting for you that conference that training that I did today did that day helped me heal a lot of pieces of me because I had never really thought about it that way

[00:22:10] you know like when she's trying to take me away she was trying to get me away from my grandmother she didn't want my grandmother to raise me and when I looked at it and I turned my thought process around of she did want me she did love me but it wasn't until like I said I was older and this was a couple years ago when this healing journey for me really started happening yeah so she did like I said she

[00:22:36] did love me she did want me but her being on and off of drugs and not having a stable home life herself she really couldn't take care of me and when I think about that and she did the best for me that she knew at the time which was to let my grandparents raise me that right there was love yeah it's incredible

[00:23:05] isn't it yes when you rephrase it or you rewire your brain to look at it a different way on the back of that comment from the social worker that was like the the catalyst the thing that drove the unlearning it did yes we we see we see that something that we believe to be true

[00:23:32] mm-hmm isn't it is yes yes and it's still I'm still aren't unlearning things yeah you know I'm still unlearn that's kind of hard word to say unlearning these beliefs still to this day yeah one of the

[00:24:00] things that's popping into my head is it is the is the idea of feeling feeling her love for you mm-hmm at a deeper and deeper level so it's like big people talk about um the penny dropped so the the

[00:24:29] the penny goes into the it the penny goes into the well the wishing well it it plops into the water and then it floats down to the bottom of the bed and and that that the penny has dropped whereas feeling feeling feeling her her love for you

[00:24:52] is one of those pennies that keeps dropping it's kind of more more and more it's a it's an infinite drop it just keeps on giving keep on sensing it deeper and deeper right right uh like i said when

[00:25:13] i rephrase my my brain to say things that she like she did love me it now shows up in me taking care of my kids i know my birth parents loved their kids they were in a lot of the same situation that my birth mother was in and i want my kids to understand that they did love them the same thing with my birth mom i

[00:25:42] know she loved me and i know my grandmother loved me and it does keep giving because it keeps that love that both of those both of my my birth mom and my adopted mom my grandmother had for me is now showing up in me and through through me and for my kids yeah i can help them with that i can help them work

[00:26:10] through that in that love for my birth mom looking back at our visits that i you know would see her she would tell me that she loved me and she would tell me that she was sorry that she couldn't take care of me and she would tell me that i did the best that she she said i did the best that i could at the time yeah looking at those conversations as i got older helped me also undo the your mom didn't want you

[00:26:40] your mom didn't love you and i have letters that she would send me when i wouldn't see her you know that she would write in there i hope one day we can be friends yeah i hope one day you will see that i did what i had to you know so those letters i hold on to and every now and then i will go back and read them yeah was it confusing then very one thing from your

[00:27:09] your adopted mom and one thing from your birth mom yes very confusing very very confusing um i would ask my aunts i had one of my aunts was really good friends with my mom and i would ask her and she would always make comments she's like i don't know why our mother's saying that because my birth mom's name was donna she's like donna loved you

[00:27:35] she's like she really did love you she really did want to take care of you so hearing those you know helped also with the hurt that some of the hurt that my grandmother caused yeah so what you talked about your your own kids um what does what does that what does this learning

[00:28:03] how does this learning play out with with them for me it's having the patience and the understanding knowing where they come from um you know like i have one child who likes to remind me that i'm not her mama you're not my mama i miss my mama i'm gonna go live with my mama one day and taking what i know

[00:28:30] and what i have learned and looking at her and say well you know one day you could go do that and not letting it hurt me um does it hurt yes just yes it does i'm not gonna say it doesn't but i understand where she's coming from so take i'm slightly triggered so it's it's it's triggering but but the explosion isn't heard

[00:28:59] no it's not it is a very different feeling of when i would say things like that to my mother like my birth mom i mean my adopted mom when i said those words you're not my mother you're not my mama and that would trigger her to say the things she said but when my child say it knowing how that felt when i heard it i don't want my child to feel like that that's just going to ruin the relationship

[00:29:27] between us and i don't want to ruin that relationship between my kids and i you know they can say whatever they want to we talk openly about adoption now for their ages there are only certain things that they know and when they get older i will give them the truth and it's up to them if they want to have a

[00:29:49] relationship with their birth mother or not yeah you you talked last time about um uh your relationship with your with your husband and uh some couples counseling and and and how and a big learning that you had around around there right do you remember which

[00:30:16] what do you remember what i'm talking about yeah well i think the relationship behind between my husband and i part of it was me realizing that my abandonment sorry cat um my abandonment and relationship my abandonment and rejection issues was showing in my relationship

[00:30:39] because he too has some trauma and his response is flight so every time we would have a fight he would leave which would then trigger my abandonment and rejection issues every single time i'm like oh he's not coming back is he leaving me you know i i don't deserve this i don't deserve love i'm just never going to be truly loved you know it would trigger all those things inside of me and when we went

[00:31:07] through marriage counseling that was one of the things that the therapist pointed out was it's a circle y'all y'all are repeating this circle every single time and he said rich you have to learn you have to sit there even if you don't say anything you have to sit there and heather if he does get up and leave you have to realize that you can't be triggered every single time he gets up and walks away

[00:31:36] and that was eye-opening for me because it was i mean it was just an ongoing trigger ongoing response you know it was every single time and i had to unlearn that behavior just because he gets up and walks away does not mean he's getting his keys and leaving yeah so you use the word realize again there like you used it early earlier

[00:32:04] on so healing for you is about realizing things aren't the way quite the way they seem right mm-hmm it it i have realized so much of like i said some of the things that i were i was doing and

[00:32:24] realizing that has really helped me see me for me you know i had to realize one of the things i had to realize was i was worthy of loving and i am worthy of giving love so that that really like i said that really has helped me

[00:32:48] move past a lot of the hurt and the anger that i held on to for so long yeah so what what sort of barriers have you come up against on there along the healing journey still every now and then i still get triggered like when my husband sometimes will shut down

[00:33:18] he's under a lot of stress right now because of his job and some days he comes home and he doesn't want to talk and so that sometimes will trigger me like what did i do what did i say what did i do wrong and i've had to unlearn that and sometimes i have to just look at him and say is there anything wrong instead of saying what did i do

[00:33:45] you know and let him have that moment to tell me about his day or tell me about something that happened at work instead of me automatically assuming i did it so that is one of the things that i've had to learn that still sometimes automatically will trigger me

[00:34:07] and what are what have you learned as you've you talked about sharing this sharing your story and this the social worker pointing out the truth she said what she said so there's there's your proof right there heather your your birth mom fought for you she did love you what other

[00:34:31] what other what other things have you learned from in the process of in the process of sharing your story i think it's something different every time i pick up on something different every time

[00:34:49] as far as my story um one of the things i will also say is i looked for approval for a very long time from my birth father i think it's something different every time i did i wanted approval from him or and i've learned one of you actually asked me last time we talked my favorite quote did i have a favorite quote that i go by

[00:35:19] and the quote is um i stopped looking for approval from people i don't approve of and i had to say that actually about my birth father is because i i constantly wanted that approval from him and but why am i looking for approval when i actually don't approve of him so that was one of the things i had to learn

[00:35:50] so that has helped me when when when we have that rejection and abandonment issues that we live with for so long we look for approval from people all the time i i wanted to be in this crowd i wanted to be in this crowd i wanted to be in this crowd i wanted people to like me i wanted people to love me and i was around these people that i really didn't have anything in common with or i really didn't

[00:36:20] even want to be friends with the same thing with my with especially my birth dad why am i constantly looking at him when i don't even approve of a lot of the things that he does yeah so that has really helped me not look for approval in a lot of the things that i do that i have to take care of me i have to take care of my kids

[00:36:48] yeah what what changes of um i was going to ask you again about you your kids

[00:37:17] um so let me start by saying this from like 2018 to 2021 i got really sick and i was diagnosed with two different autoimmune issues rocky mountain spotted fever and because of my age i was also going through perimenopause and menopause so there for several years i was

[00:37:44] really angry and i took some of that frustration and that anger out on my kids but since i started my healing journey and my health is a lot better than it is i have noticed that my kids anxiety is less that my kids behaviors are less than they were we don't have as many meltdowns we don't have as much fighting or fussy now we still have fighting and fussing so don't get me wrong

[00:38:12] about that it's four of them yeah but it has really helped our relationship since i have started my healing journey that they feel more safe they feel more secure they're not worried that mama's just going

[00:38:31] to go off you know it's it went from can you please stop doing that to let's talk about it you know we've asked you to stop this you can't hit your sister so that me learning to regulate my emotions has helped them regulate their emotions

[00:38:55] yeah incredible so the it's it's it's the end of escalation really mm-hmm it really has helped tremendously and i know a lot of what they went through was was on me and that's when i said you know when we talked is if i can't heal i can't help them heal

[00:39:26] and it was learning how i can heal myself so in order for me to help them heal move past some of their rejection and their abandonment issues and you know them feeling unloved from their birth parents and i will be able now to walk them through that yeah now that i've gone through that journey yeah i saw

[00:39:53] something on facebook this morning and it was it was something along the lines of uh soon sooner or later adoptees need to realize that they're doing this to themselves and i

[00:40:20] it wasn't from an adoptee right and i i uh this didn't land well with me right and i was thinking i've put in a response on i didn't i didn't put a response on it but the the thought came to me was

[00:40:44] if you say something like that to somebody else then it's going to be a criticism but if we come to that realization ourselves that's something completely different

[00:41:04] mm-hmm i think it's an eye-opening like people can say it and it can hurt your feelings and you're like what are you talking about but for when i came to it i was like oh you know it hurt it hit as far as you know like oh this is on me that that that that's me so coming to that on my own

[00:41:36] it it was um it was a realization for me and it just i knew it was time i mean there was things that i had been holding on to for 40 years you know that's a long time to hold on to some hurt yeah i'm being told to let it go doesn't really work doesn't it

[00:42:03] let it go she's got it she's got it she's got it tattooed on her wrist amazing yes i had to let it go i had to let go the hurt from my grandmother i had to let go the hurt from my birth mom my birth dad the hurt from my grandfather you know i had to let go of those things and do they every now and then come back up yes but i've realized that when they come up i can go ahead and let them go and not

[00:42:30] hold on to them yeah um and and so it's an instruction to yourself mm-hmm it is um something that popped into my head around this was and i thought about this also in relation to my wife

[00:42:53] so i'm thinking looking at this facebook post this person is criticizing another group of people mm-hmm um and then i i thought about it went round and round for a little

[00:43:13] bit and then i thought i'm criticizing his criticism so i'm doing the same thing mm-hmm well that's like when other parents who are looking at it from the outside criticize birth parents well how could they give them up how did they leave why did they leave i couldn't leave my kids but you don't know their story

[00:43:40] yeah the same same as me um my reaction to what your adoptive mom what your grandma said right like i'm i'm criticizing her hope for her for her words i'm thinking how could you how could you say that but but my grandmother was a wonderful woman but if you take away the words that she said in the heart when i take that away my grandmother was a wonderful woman she stepped up to

[00:44:10] take care of me and my grandfather her husband was kind of um an abusive alcoholic for a very long time and that put me in that situation when she adopted me but she would stand up to him and you know take up for me or she would send me to my room so he couldn't get to me

[00:44:34] so she loved me like she held me she loved me she took care of me she did the best she could with what she had and i came to that just several years ago was even though she did not meet all my needs she still did the best she had yeah and i just criticized her on one part of it yeah yeah and she loved me and in fact

[00:45:02] i wrote an article in a newsletter about that about the words that she said and i posted it on my facebook and one of my aunts got so mad at me and did not speak to me for several years because she said i talked bad about her mother but it was my mother too and that's how i felt and i'm sharing my story to know

[00:45:28] especially for what adoptive parents should never say to their adopted kids and that was the point of the story you know these are the words that i felt or heard as a kid and how it made me feel and why you should not say them yeah so um you said that you've written some you'd written some notes uh preparing for today is there

[00:45:57] anything that you'd like to share that i've not asked you about heather um i think we've kind of covered it i mean um the one question you asked me you know what does thriving look like to you and that was the one question i i really wanted i i want to go ahead and say it because we've covered it but i still want to share it so

[00:46:21] people can hear my side of what how i feel what thriving looks like to me right so thriving to me means choosing a different path than the one i came from i was adopted and my birth mom was in foster care i made the choice to raise my daughter when i got pregnant at 18. thriving is using what i've learned through my own journey and doing the best to be the kind of parent i needed growing up it's staying

[00:46:51] present showing up even when it's hard it also means not repeating the patterns i didn't become an alcoholic or a drug addict like my birth parents i broke that cycle that to me is what thriving looks like it's not perfect but it's strong and i'm choosing better fantastic i'm so glad that you shared

[00:47:16] that with us well thank you for letting me share some of my story and being on here and taking me out of my comfort zone to actually share some of my story good on you thank you heather thank you listeners we'll speak to you again very soon again bye