Learning To Heal With Vin

[00:03:06] Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of the Thriving You.T.A. a change of heart and that it is perhaps too small given what you've just said, our body is assigned to us. When we have an adverse reaction to something that happens in our world and we just feel it within our body, when we feel less triggers. So when you say that, so what is your process of healing? So when you've gone through something traumatic, how do you know that you're entering the stage

[00:05:29] it in my body that she was backing away from me. Then probably a month or so later, you automatically thought to yourself bail out before she does? Because as adoptees, I know that working with me anymore. I didn't get my defense in first. I didn't leave her first. No. And I can see that I have done that in the past actually with perhaps with girlfriends and actually with friends. I can think know, I pushed it. I can see me pushing him away. I can think, have I done that with girlfriends? Yeah, I've done that with girlfriends. I've run away first. I've detached first sensing

[00:09:40] that I've broken up first, sensing them to break up. But I've been with my now wife for 30 odd years. So

[00:10:48] So how often, not how often, how important is it for you to have people understand you? Because I know for me it makes a little difference when people understand me and I get frustrated

[00:10:53] when people don't understand me or aren't sure where I'm coming from and don't ask me

[00:11:01] either.

[00:11:02] So like how important for you that with on call centers, speaking to people in call centers, Now, I talked about earlier, I talked about mind body and heart. There's a kind of a fourth level perhaps, which I metaphor for spirit. And I talk about the diamond, and I do this, you've seen me do the diamond in the fist. So the fist, the clenched fist is the metaphor for trauma.

[00:16:01] because it was never wounded. That makes sense.

[00:16:03] Can we go back to what you said before about you were talking about Rish Jor and I think

[00:16:11] it was or needing to be understood?

[00:16:17] Yeah, no, it was a little bit further than that.

[00:16:20] So you were talking about like in relationships and stuff like that. very, uh, don't really know what the word is, but I need that reassurance because I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm worthless. I feel all of those shit feelings and I constantly, not constantly, but very often need, on this session, he talked about where, he talked about his wife as his most significant tormentor, right?

[00:19:05] And he splits, he puts a hyphen between the word tor, One minute she's a tormentor, but the next minute she's a mentor because she's making him aware of an area where he's still got to heal. So, and that, and so that was interesting for me, that was interesting for me because he's basically saying,

[00:21:23] something not outside reassure and saw something like that. It's, you know, I don't expect my wife to reassure me.

[00:21:32] I wish that I get to that state and age very soon.

[00:21:40] Well, yeah.

[00:21:45] It still gets me.

[00:21:47] Yeah. take the statement as a pointer for improvement rather than a criticism. So, look at it, you know, I talk about, I heard this in business, I heard this in a business sense ages ago, you as yourself. So you told me about, you told me about a story, you shared with me what happened to you.

[00:24:20] And when people, some people came for you, a lot of people came for you online. and looking at them and saying, you know, where am I contributing? Where did I contribute to this? Where was pretty harsh. You know, people that didn't even know me making these judgments on me based on baseless information and stupid people that thought that they knew me and they didn't. And although it was baseless stuff, some about what you just said that you said maybe months later. So on one level, we Maybe I'm more a little bit, and maybe a little bit more left-brainy and therefore slow on the uptake. I think, no, I don't think it's that. I. Yeah. So you've had more, maybe you're more instinctive. You've got is more dominant in how you decide things

[00:31:05] than the survival mode. Yeah, it I realised that people don't always keep their word,

[00:32:23] they don't always keep their promises and people lie.

[00:33:31] good that's reliable. Yeah and that and that fits with me. So even on a trivial thing like last week

[00:33:41] we were doing a recording and I was I was 15 minutes late to the zoom because the dog was misbehaving and one of the dogs was misbehaving and wouldn't come back and it struck me that that I don't know if there's time wasted. But yeah, it's a whole, what is, what do you think? I mean, reword that.

[00:35:02] Do you think you'll ever be healed?

[00:35:04] I think that it's like learning. You will learn as long as you are alive. Yeah. And you'll. Yes. And the two things go hand in hand because healing is learning.

[00:36:21] Yes. Yes. I've never seen that before. That was a big relief because it was a learning that came out of that therapy, I don't know. So how insight within me. And the big one around this time or so last year from you is, you know, the best way to do it, the most healing way to do that. And that's why we're talking healing. Yeah. That's why we been out in the gurney in the corridor for 12 hours, right? The patients It's a strange word isn't it like patient? Yes in a noun in a in an ER and patient as in the adjective of about not being

[00:43:02] impatient

[00:43:06] I'm very to be faced with something, say in a relationship sense, well, I would work on the relationship at first and try and deal with that as quick I do that quite often. To their reaction. That's very powerful. Yes, it's also very telling too. You can always tell when people are bullshitting or not with their reaction. With certain things. I must sound like a very paranoid person.

[00:48:20] Well, we're talking about big stuff, I mean, it's interesting. I always want to, I always want to talk to and have a conversation with people that's dating non-adopted people. Because I don't think I could ever date an adopted person, but luckily I don and I'm thinking of using this to structure structure a book at the moment I like that. And as well as that, just that glimpse.. I think healing is a seeing thing. And it's a feeling thing. So when you say most profound thing for me about being a feeling thing is it's being less less worried about my emotions. Yeah. So in the same way we can see a kid. Yeah don't have the kind of what's the word post-mortem like I'll Yeah. Yes, yes, I worry about worrying all the time.

[00:55:04] Yeah. We blame stuff. I don't know if that is human. On being adopted.

[00:56:21] I used to say this a couple years ago.

[00:56:24] We pin the tail on the wrong donkey. Yeah, knee-bower, what's he called? It's a Chris knee-bower, Chris knee-bower, Chris doctor Chris knee-bower. And I put link in the notes. It's called no self, no problem. Our left brain, which is a makes meaning

[00:57:44] and what I mean is it assigns meaning maker blames adoption or my meaning maker has blamed adoption when it is human and it's a human issue not an adoption. So when it's a human issue you blame adoption? Yeah, or despite the fact that being a human issue I blame

[00:59:00] adoption. Why is that because it can or is an answer thing that comes to mind, it's the biggest issue in their life. So they go straight to it. Yeah, I definitely don't. Does that feel like the right place to bring it in?

[01:00:27] I think so. I think, yeah. I can't pinpoint because there's a lot of things. Now there was really good points. Maybe like, I don't know, well, the hurt people hurt people,

[01:01:45] that stands out really big for me because that has a lot to do with healing. I think my fundamentally unwoundable thing sometimes makes people wrong. The big idea about healing forever and already whole, I think that's the biggest thing I

[01:03:04] got last year.