Less Hurt By The Hurt Ferera Swan

[00:00:00] Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Thriving Adoptees podcast. Today, I'm delighted

[00:00:06] to be joined by Ferreira. Ferreira, so I'm looking forward to our conversation today,

[00:00:11] Ferreira.

[00:00:12] Yeah, thank you for having me.

[00:00:14] So today we're going to talk about healing as we do on Thriving Adoptees. And just want

[00:00:20] to signpost to a great interview on AdopteesOn think healing is about honesty, really, for me, being honest with myself, about my pain, about the grief that I carry, about being honest about the fact that it may never go away fully. your trauma into a creative and personal rebirth. And I go on to say some of our greatest gifts can be found in our deepest pain. Explore what hurts and find yourself.

[00:04:11] know myself and ultimately love myself, which was something that I had never experienced before I ever allowed myself to was manifesting itself in my relationships, my friendships, even, yeah, just, and I was just so kind of unaware. And it it was like, you know, I think I've, I've mentioned on I don't know why I'm coming to with this strange metaphor here, right?

[00:08:22] But a pea, you know, like a garden pea, a's a great metaphor. It's like, it's a total unveiling, a lifting of the towel, you know, finally allowing ourselves to be ourselves, just be who we are.

[00:09:43] And like, you know, outwardly not hidden.

[00:09:47] Yeah. Coming out of the closet. Right. Coming into the closet or coming out of the fog is...

[00:11:00] Coming out of the fog.

[00:11:01] Yeah.

[00:11:02] But coming out of the closet in terms of being different, gay, pain of being different, adopted, right? But it's not three plus three, which is six, it's three times three, be. Yeah. So to put the metaphors together, instead of I just talked about one detail, right? Yeah, now you've got two. You've got about 90 details. Oh yeah, okay, I said two, 90 details, yeah.

[00:13:44] Well, it feels like 100 details.

[00:13:46] And it feels like 100 details. She knows that a lack of courage in the past has hindered her on a healing journey. And now she's got so far, she knows that the next step on the healing journey is going to require more courage. And she's kind of, she's psyching herself up for it, I think, or happy where she's

[00:15:03] at, right? I was in a particular season in my life when I was, it kind of happened organically, unfolded organically where the courage, you know, I'm not really sure.

[00:16:21] That's a tough one.

[00:16:22] Yeah.

[00:16:23] Can I draw something, can I draw you back therapist about the next step in my, about why I had stopped my reunion search,

[00:17:44] stopped my search, right?

[00:17:45] I froze with fear. that hindered your healing, they found it. Well, I think, I think, you know, there's a, in the adoptee community we've discussed, there's been discussion about, you know,

[00:19:03] among adoptees, about how when we share certain parts Simon. This is this is this is puppy stuff. She's just a baby. Okay, so what I was trying to get at was the reliving it noticed is now I've reached a place where I can write about it and can share experiences. There's almost like a detach, not not detached,

[00:21:44] but there's not an emotional,

[00:21:46] strong emotional charge means that it no longer hurts. Because that's what I used to think. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. And I would sum it up this way. I had that I had it on the tip of my tongue. It's healing isn't

[00:24:06] today. I'm looking at my birth mother's pictures, I'm looking at my, you know, whatever it may be. And then other days, I don't think about, you know, it's not this. So I think healing

[00:24:17] isn't linear is a very important thing to remember. Yes. Yeah. I, that's absolutely true fear of how we really feel. I think you said that, but I just said it a little bit. I may have.

[00:26:43] own voice that's too painful to hear.

[00:26:46] That's scattered for their own feelings, not you.

[00:26:54] Absolutely. It's like, I wish I had the, I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but it was something about, you know, like,

[00:27:00] for example, when adoptees are talking to somebody or anybody,

[00:27:04] you know, about trauma, the pain that we, the grief, you know, I think I'm not usually good at this. I'm normally the both one, just yapping and ringing on. It's their shit. There you go. It is their shit. It is. And it's like, I used to be so like, it used to

[00:28:21] bother me and hurt my feet. Like, it used to be hurt so I could feel better. They weren't accepting my apology. They were staying frustrated, whatever it was, people didn't. They talked about people that didn't other adopted parents that didn't know. And so the answer was, and I heard this, actually I heard this from a therapist who wasn't an

[00:31:01] adoptee, she wasn't an adopted parent, doesn't cut on on, if that triggers them, then they're not going to pay the, they're going to say, well, you're the therapist, you're barking up the wrong tree.

[00:32:21] Right.

[00:32:22] I know. length and separation and dis-eventification from. And it strikes me as that validation can be a double-edged sword. So it can feel gray and it can keep us stuck.

[00:33:40] Yeah. Yes. And I was just thinking that when you started out Yeah, I often think about that from a musical perspective I was just gonna say I feel like yeah our brains are going to the same place. Yeah, I because it's that's way that's The it's how it's been with my music as well. I feel like

[00:35:02] Yeah, I put out I

[00:35:04] I've put out music by on you, I think age-wise.

[00:36:22] And my wife takes the- I don't know about that.

[00:36:25] Well, we're not gonna go there.

[00:36:27] No, we're not. All right. Sorry, go ahead and interrupt. And he had that massive album and the way it is, and that massive single, the way it is, but he's still creating. And I don't think he has the commercial numbers that he used to have. I don't, I'm assuming that he doesn't.

[00:37:40] And I have to wonder, you know,

[00:37:41] how do people like that that have had that,

[00:38:48] how mature you are emotionally before you hit the big time. If it comes out of the flash, then I really have time to go used to it. I don't know. But you'll know more about that

[00:38:52] than me. I don't know why I'm talking.

[00:38:55] I just keep thinking about Mandolin Rain, that's just I listen to film this before, but when I, when I, it happened, one of the healing moments that stands out that I think I've talked about before, I think I and cried. Makes me tear up just thinking about it now, but my husband was there. you've got to break down to break through. Yep. That. Yeah. That's where the... Lifting the tea towel. You get a break down and... You can be brave enough.

[00:45:41] Can you lift the tea towel?

[00:45:43] It sounds like a really crap game show, doesn't it?

[00:45:47] Yeah. I mean,