Open With Fiona Myles

[00:00:00] Hello everybody welcome to another episode of the Thrivean Doctories Podcast. Today I'm

[00:00:06] delighted to be joined by Fiona Miles, looking forward to our conversation Fiona.

[00:00:11] Yeah me too. Yeah so how long is it since we did the first episode? It's kind of like

[00:00:17] two years is it something nuts like that? Two and a half? It must be longer yeah because I was our fundamental focus right now. And so my first question, I'm starting with failure regularly, is what does healing mean to you? I would say for actually, the maps onto the first part of what you're saying. But we don't come out to the fog just once. So it's a series of coming out of the fog.

[00:04:10] You're saying that if it takes us five seconds to whack the first mole down, my nickname is Moly by the way, so this is actually like a form of masochism for me, right?

[00:04:17] It takes us five seconds to reach across and not prefer to mow down.

[00:04:22] It takes four seconds for the next one and three seconds to the next one, two seconds. I know where the main body of that has come from. And for me, I don't ever want to go back into that darkness fog, whatever. I don't want to go back the way because that feeling of that realization, that so much that had gone on for me

[00:05:42] was something I had no idea about.

[00:05:45] And when that realization came and I began to lift my head you were talking about, you know, the whacking the first mold down gives you the confidence to whack the second mold down and that's kind of that's human momentum and that's, I would say that that is revealing your strength. You have revealed the strength that And the reason that that's a really big deal in my world, in my philosophy, is that if resilience has to be strengthened, we have to go to the gym, we have to go to the resilience gym, we have to fight through the pain barrier of going to the gym, we have to

[00:08:23] withstand the boredom of not going anywhere, we have to kind of get over the fact that it's then I suppose you can't recognise it. No, you can't. You can't. And I was talking about the same similar thing on a podcast the other day. And this was a real shocking moment for me.

[00:12:22] So it was a Yeah, the eyes might have taken in but the eyes might have taken in the image but there was no image'd chosen me. And I've all I believe that all my life is out isn't that lovely you know but then all but a shame for all those other children that didn't get chosen and stuff like that. The things that go through your head you know when you'd been told this great story that me and my older sister were from the same guy, you know, we'd even thought about going looking for him, we'd done this, that and the next thing. And he just doesn't exist. Do you know what I mean? I know that now. So that popped me on their journey of real rage.

[00:13:40] I was human.

[00:13:42] I was human at my mum and dad for nobody to sort of throw that anger at, do you know what I mean? Because it wasn't, you know, nobody else told me that the stories, I don't, I'm trying to stop saying the lies, but they And not specializing in adoption. She said people have to break down to break through. If they're not, and we talked about this a little bit before in terms of some of the work you've been doing with fellow adoptees that you're not doing anymore.

[00:16:21] But people, when we only to retire a long time ago. But she had to get to that point where it got really, really tricky before she was ready for a challenge.

[00:17:45] So the truth clearly is one of those things told me it wasn't true. And then when a front of down when it came to the realization as to what, you know, my bio mom had told me, I just lost, I just lost that, you know, it was how you learning crying and all the rest. And of course, my sister could do nothing because she's like on the phone. So it was a sort of immediate response from me, you know, that

[00:19:02] I just everything that because it was just so like, why I couldn't tricky to get the understanding on because that kind of did me out of not getting to know them. It did it siblings out of not getting to know me because they did know that there was going to be a sibling that could appear at some point. You know and that him out of getting to, the adoptees, bang, smack in the middle has lost everything because you can't have a full and proper relationship on that side and you also can't have that you some, that was it, that gave you a chance to change your own perspective, you'd see. So that matches my experience too.

[00:23:03] We're going down, I've got my view of the world. Sometimes people lie to us because they think it's better. It'll feel better. It'll sit better with us. And some people also tell heart throughs because they think it was it. And sometimes they don't know. They don't know. So they kind of just make something up that they think is going to be more palatable.

[00:24:22] So, you know, there's radio silence because she's got special needs. She doesn't understand a lot and stuff like that but as she through all that, and the anger that exploded that volcanic eruption, which to be perfectly honest the damage that could have been done from me, you know, giving out to everybody, slamming it out there on social media, whatever There was such a lot of nice things that came from the longer story, taking the time to find out. Because it was, yeah, it was interesting to hear people's different perspectives on, you know, some people were like, you know, why would you want to know now and stuff like that? You know, hadn't erupted like that. They give it full welly. Don't they? That's what they do. Yes. And it's so kind of emotional.

[00:32:21] It is an eruption and it? And then, you know, when the kid and the dad's trying to keep it together, right? Some losing it and trying to do no difference and all it's going to do is make the kid think that doesn't understand me. Yeah, yeah. You know, When we ask, when they ask us the question, we don't know why. No. Because the trauma is pre-verbal, pre-verbal, because it's not in our conscious,

[00:37:26] there's a little trauma-sized hold here that, you know, bit by bit, you know, it's becoming smaller and more manageable. You know, I can't see it's gone. I can't see that. I can't see that. I'd love

[00:37:32] to see it. Oh, it's gone. Come to me and I'll tell you how I did it. I don't know. It's not gone.

[00:37:38] It's just not as big as it was. Yeah. So we, I think a lack of recognition, it was the biggest stumbling block for me, but once that recognition, once it became aware and I recognized and I knew evolved in a few little groups and sometimes I'm like, what? Excuse me. I just have to say something. Whereas I need to learn that people are maybe not ready to hear all your stuff.

[00:40:22] Yeah. That surfaced something for me actually. were, had never started their own business. Right. They were, they were corporate people. Right. And I was thinking, well, and this woman said, I've got an MBA.

[00:41:41] And I sat there thinking and fuming to myself. the wrong people for the job, right? And then he came to something a bit He got to this point when they said So you've got to decide You've got to decide whether to go go for this or not you're gonna make a business decision and The and they said so one way of doing this

[00:43:04] They told us share a story about how a company had And I remember all that fuming coming, I remember that fuming coming up, you know, like it's got nothing to do with adoption, but it's basically got to do with people being in debt and not sending in. And that's the anger that's saying, I ain't servicing, it I just smeared her with, with people. So basically you're saying, I look really, really unwell when you saw me last time. And it's funny what, it's funny, funny what are you doing? So, so something, whatever you've done

[00:46:53] and openness, a desire to, to process stuff, a desire to heal, an openness to listening to other people's perspectives and having your perspective changes a matter of course,

[00:46:58] as has been basically the biggest thing that you've talked about in the last 45 minutes squint eyes, nobody's got a mole like this. So anybody in this room that even looks slightly like me, you know, there's there's like a poem in there that talks about that kind of angst of needing some kind of recognition with someone, you know, where there's fast forward to now, you know, and

[00:48:22] I would say, you know, that looking for that feel the best I've ever felt in my whole life, you know, because I actually came out of my church that had been in for 20 years and moved to a smaller place where I'm not anybody, because in that the other church I was, you know, on the staff, I was past the door on all the rest, so

[00:49:41] everybody kind of knew me. I came out pressure that you felt in the old church? I would say to continue to do the stuff that I was doing because that was pleasing to people I suppose because I did a lot of work with but I think I get where you get in and it's.

[00:52:22] I got a name out this morning from somebody who was talking about basically growing yourself an agenda. In your church, I did an agenda. So I have being in a stronger position to see, because I think in any sort of church

[00:55:03] or organisation, if you have a skill or recognise that's the ship of that, that's

[00:56:22] the ship of that.

[00:56:24] And each of those ships are now some have sailed away, never to be seen again.