Peace, Finally With Eva Asprakis

[00:00:00] Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode. How many times have I said that? I've ever

[00:00:07] fluffed the word episode. Welcome to another episode of Thriving Adulters Podcast. Today

[00:00:11] I'm delighted to be joined by Eva Asprachis, delighted to join in, what are we doing? Delighted

[00:00:18] that you're joining us today, Eva. Sorry, listen as well, a few glitches on him. The

[00:00:23] technology has just thrown me, thrown me off the call. So looking forward to our conversation

[00:00:28] today, Eva. life, but he was definitely the constant. And yeah, it just, it really felt to me that that was the right choice emotionally. And it was very affirming, just for me and myself, knowing who I. So you talked about the external one in terms of talking to other people, talking to other adoptees and the internal one in terms of makes sense. And so as much as I know that that isn't the case, biologically or on paper, well, it is on paper now. But yeah, it definitely didn't tell my biological dad because I felt this is something I'm doing for me, this is for my identity. It doesn't need to hurt him or anyone else that he doesn't need to know because I was over 18. And it happened outside of England where I really wanted to, and we kind of had a conversation where I was building up to it, but then I also, it was coming up to a time where I just, I felt the relationship for many other reasons was not good for me.

[00:07:01] And so it just reached a point where I thought, you know, I actually just don't

[00:07:05] want to engage in this kind of leads me back on to I wanted to ask you about the internal stuff It seemed to be a smaller thing for you than this external stuff that you're talking about now So as you were explaining it to me That's that was the sense that I got it was the internal stuff was the smaller challenge and

[00:08:20] the relationship with your biological father was the smaller challenge compared to the finding your voice and

[00:09:24] even though he was kind of there, you know, on the sidelines. And I think when you have that sometimes with a parent or with anyone,

[00:09:30] it's really easy to make that person's opinion matter in your mind so much more than it deserves to, even,

[00:09:38] because you're just constantly seeking approval from this person who you feel that you

[00:09:42] should have it from, but you didn't get it. us. When it was, it's never about us. And I've made adoption about me. When it was never about me. It was, or somebody

[00:11:01] put, somebody put this brilliantly, I read it on there was still a vacuum in the coffee, right? And when that sensor detected that the vacuum had gone, this piece of metal came across and basically punched

[00:12:24] the coffee off the conveyor belt

[00:13:23] So it wasn't personal. It wasn't personal.

[00:13:24] That must have made a really big difference.

[00:13:27] It sounds absolutely nuts, but it did not have a very good difference.

[00:13:32] Like comparing it to a coffee machine, it's just a, it's just an energy and a silly way

[00:13:38] of story.

[00:13:39] It puts a bit of humour into it, which is good, right?

[00:13:41] Because otherwise this stuff could be really serious.

[00:13:44] Yes.

[00:13:45] You know, I came up with this line a couple of years ago. I felt that rejection. And we make it personal in the same way as kids often make it. Kids are divorced parents, make it personal. When it was all to do with the adults, it was nothing to do with them. But our little brains and our little worlds

[00:15:02] tend to make it about us. We take it personally.

[00:15:04] Yeah, and I think it if he was the kindest, most thoughtful person in the world, there would probably still be a part of me that was chasing something that I didn't get at a really formative age, you know, because it just, it pushes a certain domino

[00:16:21] and they continue to fall, I think.

[00:16:23] And I think you can work on it

[00:16:25] and try to unpick those things

[00:17:25] words in talk therapy are just not going to work at all.

[00:17:28] Wow, that's a really good point, yeah.

[00:17:33] And it's like, that's, I mean, I went back into some therapy last year.

[00:17:37] Because of that, I thought maybe there's some

[00:17:40] pre-verbal stuff that I've not yet touched

[00:17:44] because I've been concentrating on verbiage.

[00:18:43] make the unconscious conscious. And in the same way, like in the adoptee world,

[00:18:47] we think of as, most of us, I think, and me too, right?

[00:18:51] I thought of coming out of the fog

[00:18:54] as a once and done experience, but it's not once and done.

[00:18:59] It's like, well, there's a big one.

[00:19:02] There's a big moment.

[00:19:04] And then there's lots of little, worth trying. I mean, like you say, a lot of this stuff is preverbal. So if that's not quite accessing it, that kind of talk therapy, why not? Yeah, we did a podcast with a holistic therapist yesterday, an adoptee as well, on our healing journey, is it because we're focusing on all three? But we're not spreading our net. And quite broadening.

[00:21:46] Yeah, I mean, that's an interesting way of looking at it again, So what were the phases or what was the process or what were the events that led you to this coming to terms thing? What did that look like for you?

[00:23:00] Well, in terms of wanting to be adopted or the actual process? life. But at four weeks old, you weren't seeing him at four weeks old, I wouldn't imagine, were you? No, I don't think so. No. No. So it was it was, again, I can't say that he was completely absent. He wasn't. But it's just, I think we just really never wanted to see it that way. But you know, he did go on to marry someone else and have two more kids. And it's just a completely different relationship. I don't feel that I was parented by him. the fact that he's from Cyprus, where I live now. And so obviously I grew up, my mum's American, my biological dad's English, I grew up in England, in London. But I had this huge, huge influence of Cypriot culture

[00:27:01] from my stepdad all my life. And so there was this really strong pull culturally as is for that, or they're Asian, right? And they've been brought up in areas, often they've been brought up by white parents in areas that are quite white. They talk about feeling conflicted here can be very direct. So they have no problem saying to me, oh, I thought you'd look different. You don't look Cypriot. You're not, you know. And that's happened to me a lot, which obviously is a little bracing

[00:29:40] because again, growing up in London,

[00:29:45] which was very, very diverse

[00:29:48] in the area that you would have thought. And it's helped me a lot relax about it. Yeah. So how did being adopted help you do that? Just the name?

[00:31:00] Yeah, I mean, the name, it's nice because And then also I think in terms of, I mean, I'm not to make it overly political, but there is a colonial history here that is really not very ancient. And so sometimes, I mean, I get defensive when I see other British people here sometimes behaving in

[00:32:23] a certain way that I think is disrespectful. I can't stand it. And I a firm there's a firm room, a big emotional bond with your stepfather who became your adoptive father, there's welcoming from his family. And, and then some of the challenges of being with people outside the family. And somehow something has led you to, you know, there wasn't a short explanation. So I would have to launch into my entire family history and say, well, you know, well, my stepdad's Cypriot, but he's not really like my stepdad. I grew up with him. I only ever remember him. We're very close. You know, my relationship with my biological dad is like this and blah, blah, blah, you know,

[00:35:01] and it's really very personal and long-winded

[00:35:04] to do that every time you meet a new person.

[00:36:07] Yeah, and I'm finding that people are generally much more respectful of it too, because there is kind of, I mean, this is why I didn't personally think that the term step-parent really applied to

[00:36:16] to my adopted dad before, because you say that and it sounds like, oh, well, that's just, you know,

[00:36:22] someone that your mum married later, and you kind of a nice moment. And we would just not correct people if they thought that. And, you know, I think I really enjoyed those moments. And I think I saw how that felt in comparison to me coming here and saying, Oh, well, I'm, you know, it's my stepdad, but he's more like my dad. And again, all of that. So kind of straight path, I guess, through any version of this. But in my case, it was very much a thing of, again, I wanted that affection and that approval from my biological doubt, I think, at that point, because I just couldn't quite let go of that desperation for this relationship to be the one that, you know, I got all of this, well, I suppose, like, self-esteem out of in a way.

[00:40:21] And it just, it wasn't going to happen. It was very one-sided. And yeah, that was a big kind of click moment in my head of like, this just feels better. This just, there's something about being here that is very, very good for me and being with these people. And I think I really came to appreciate kind of how much he had done as well during that

[00:41:43] summer.

[00:41:44] Yeah. And previously, you kind of wanted what you couldn't have.

[00:42:41] Yeah. What did that feel like?

[00:42:45] It literally, this all sounds strange, but it was like I had been physically tensed up

[00:42:50] for years by that point. And then I don't know what happened. There was a point I just

[00:42:56] like, it was like a big sigh and everything just released. And I wasn't expecting it.

[00:43:02] I didn't feel, I didn't think consciously, oh, and so was the house I guess, the cat. I funnily had I actually had a funnily fun in Greece, a similar

[00:45:21] And do you know what I mean? Yeah.

[00:45:22] It was like somebody had taken a book, so I can't find that.

[00:45:26] Exactly that.

[00:45:27] But that was the kind of work, the work shift was gone for a couple of weeks, you know.

[00:45:37] I mean, the heat does help.

[00:45:38] I'll say that.

[00:45:39] I don't want to reduce it to something, you know, superficial.

[00:45:41] I'm sure it was very much more than that.

[00:45:43] I know it was now that I'm here.

[00:45:45] But yeah, the heat does deep into the emotions surrounding it. So I have a book coming out on the 8th of March.

[00:47:02] Okay, so what we're going to put a link to, we'll put a link to